Riot’s Reviews: I’ll keep the excuses for my absence short this time. But simply put, my four-year streak of not getting Covid finally and abruptly ended. Besides being mostly bedridden for an entire week+ not only did my movie going schedule get upended, the reality of that ‘Rona brain-fog set in brutally worse than I expected; the remnants of which might still kick around in this review brigade. I’ll do my best to stay succinct and hopefully entertaining and will get back to the regularly scheduled program in the coming weeks. Enjoy!
Anyone but You: While I’m not exactly a connoisseur of the romantic comedy, I’ve seen enough of them to know what works and what doesn’t. Anyone But You reeked early on of a movie that threw all the good bits into the trailer and left nothing else for the audience. This turned out to be…mostly true. I say mostly because while the best moments of the film were certainly featured in the preview, there were other nuggets that kept the plot going and kept the interest from waning. The dialogue, while extremely predictable, was a bit overloaded with cursing to the point that it didn’t feel natural to the characters and would often derail the flow of conversation. Romantic comedies rely on a combo of lightheartedness and drama, with the dramatics typically being rooted in at least some realism because hey, relationships are crazy…am I right? I jest only because the romantic comedy genre had its moment in the sun and it kind of feels like we’ve already seen every scenario one could come up with. In that sense, Anyone But You didn’t offer anything particularly new. The creators seem to be doing all they can to hang their hats on the script being a Shakespeare adaptation. Personally, I wouldn’t broadcast that idea all that much. All in all, it felt like a long string of excuses to feature a lot of pretty people in as little clothing as possible (men and women) and despite this was saved by some pretty decent performances from its leads Sydney Sweeny and Glenn Powell. I say this often: I didn’t hate it, but I didn’t love it either.
Riot’s Rating: 6.8/10
Poor Things: Holy wow, how can I explain what a spectacular, colossal…waste of time and space Poor Things was? It’s my fault really, I was distinctly told not to bother with it. Then the reviews came out and I had to understand for myself how/why the critics and audience could be coming to such a dramatically different conclusion. Every year the Oscars puts up lists that include movies such as these, so it really isn’t all that surprising that there is a new, “edgy” entry into the abundantly depraved films that receive nominations; I just don’t understand why. Leaving the theater, I couldn’t help overhear a number of older women openly talking about how senseless the film was. Unfortunately for me, that thought crossed my mind maybe fifteen minutes in. The music was infuriatingly grating and each scene droned on seemingly without end into some new aspect of sexual depravity. Dead ass honesty here, considering the controversies surrounding the Hollywood elite, is it the best idea to stand for a movie where a multitude of older men have sex with a woman who has the developing brain of a child inside her?! Using my now hated “title cards” format, the writers/creators couldn’t even make Bella’s (Emma Stone) mental advancements distinguishable as the story progresses. Besides minor adjustments to her dialogue and physical movements, there isn’t a whole lot of observable indicators that she is transitioning to the “actualized” woman she’s meant to be at the stories’ end. Each new sequence is just another installation of sick and disintegrating morality that’s so disgusting by the end of the story that the only morally “good” character is a pathetic cuck (literally not figuratively). Bella’s “character development” is nothing more than an endless string of narcissistic, hedonistic, and hypocritical choices that leave you wondering who the hell you were even supposed to be rooting for and why you wasted your afternoon watching a film drone painfully on. The only credit I’ll give is there were a number of interesting (but not groundbreaking) visuals throughout the film and the set/costume design were at the very least interesting. This hurts to say, but I can’t even give my boy Willem Dafoe much credit for this one (he still rocks, don’t get me wrong). Please don’t be like me and ignore sound advice, let this one go.
Riot’s Rating: 2/10
The Beekeeper: At this point, I feel that I’ve given Jason Statham more than enough chances to wow on the silver screen again. Imagine my disbelief catching the preview for The Beekeeper and legitimately thinking, “welp, here we go again!” I was heading into the screening with already low expectations (on the Statham front) but they were tempered further by the fact that action films of late have had too many fingerprints of the John Wick series all over them. Everyone seems to be trying to catch that lightning in a bottle and The Beekeeper was no different. The obsession with making some of the villains, particularly the contract killers, be these over-the-top characters, dressed in unnecessarily bright clothing, and affecting uncommonly thick accents is a trope I could do with having less of. With a lot stacked up against it, I am surprised to report that I enjoyed the film way more than I thought I would. The fight scenes are innovative and brutal and gave off similar intensity as the first Extraction movie. Having a string of morally detestable villains helps a hell of a lot to get the audience behind the motivations of the vehement protagonist. While the over-the-top violence was a plus (Statham destroying people whilst in a suit is its own icon at this point) trying to continually push the limits had its negative aspects. Much like my previous comments, the overabundance of swearing in the dialogue just made everything so clunky and awkward. Emmy Raver-Lampman (who is probably my least favorite character in The Umbrella Academy) continued over-acting her way through another script that inevitably disrupted far too many of the scenes she was involved in. The plot was predictable (not in an overly terrible way) and it was laughable to try to have FBI agents be the “good guys” in a world filled with literal corrupt politicians, but you should definitely stay for all of the deliciously gruesome fight sequences. Oh, and it certainly doesn’t hurt to have a legend like Jeremy Irons deliver a few lines of exposition to help move things along.
Riot’s Rating: 7/10
Bob Marley: One Love: Ah, the musical biopic. These films have begun to have their own formula of sorts and depending on how extensive your knowledge is as a fan, there exists an argument that they aren’t even necessary. Yet still, I tend to love them. I enjoy getting a glimpse behind the curtain of famous artist’s biggest moments and I certainly enjoy an extra excuse to run through catalogs of the best, unbelievably brilliant music of their generations. That’s obviously what Marley was, a once in a lifetime genius of his craft. How could you not enjoy an entire feature dedicated to him? Imagine my surprise at all the negative critic reviews! Whatever their motivations, I definitely question their reasoning for panning One Love. The acting, which is mostly driven by Kingsley Ben-Adir (Bob Marley) and Lashana Lynch (Rita Marley), is exceptional and I’m not sure who I would consider to be better. Kingsley really embodied Marley, complete with all of the physical mannerisms he expressed during his concerts. Lashana was able to capture all of the internal strife that I’m certain Rita was struggling with, wanting Bob to get his message out to the world while being terrified for his literal physical safety (the catalyst event of the whole film is their surviving of an assassination attempt after all). Being true to himself in the midst of everything was the major conflict of the story and is a message that is certainly a worthwhile endeavor. It also doesn’t hurt a film having Bob Marley and The Wailers as its soundtrack. The combination of musical nostalgia, beautifully shot scenes in Jamaica, and the phenomenal acting made for a wonderful viewing experience. As a (former) musician, I also really appreciated the behind-the-scenes look at the recording process. Sometimes these musical biopics oversimplify the songwriting experience. I thought it was refreshing to see the group sort of struggle their way through forming a truly iconic song. The credits reveal that a number of the Marley family were deeply involved in the making of the film. Personally, I felt that it shows. The critics seemed to be looking for something complicated. I’ve always thought that Marley’s message was pretty simple and I’ll definitively say, I simply enjoyed it.
Riot’s Rating: 9.2/10
Madame Web: I know guys, someday I am sure to learn my lesson about putting myself through these movies. About halfway through them I catch myself wondering what exactly keeps me coming in. Part of it is morbid curiosity; trying to satiate that irrational side of me that loves terrible movies. Part of it is duty bound, like I need to take in all of the nerd content that remains on brand and report back what I think. What I ultimately think is the real factor is a that small part of me is hanging onto the hope that these studios can rebound and put out superhero content that is once again worth a damn. Alas, you will certainly not find it in the theater for Madame Web. This film is a train wreck in about every sense, refusing to not only pick a lane in what style of movie it wanted to be, but it also suffers from some of the worst performances from every ensemble character that is featured. Dakota Johnson (Cassandra Web) has all of the personality and delivery of a moist sponge. She reminded me of a line from Bob’s Burgers where Louise states, “if she was a spice, she'd be flour.” Granted, when the dialogue/writing is as horrific as was featured in this film, how great could a performance really be? Because the film refuses to pick a lane, the audience is left with a confusing mix of out of place jump scares, s**tty “comedy,” and all-too-quick action sequences that are baffling at best and utterly fail to progress the story in a meaningful way at worst. The three girls (Sydney Sweeney, Isabella Merced, and Celeste O’ Connor), who cares what their character names are, are as insufferably bad/annoying as their leader. Normally, here would be the part where I give kudos to the villain or another side character that helped keep me invested in the story even a little bit. Nope, if anything the villain (Tahar Rahim) is worse than all four main characters combined. His bland, monotone delivery combined with a silly “villain voice” and essentially zero background/motivation development ensured the audience couldn’t care less about his involvement. Dead a** serious, the only redeeming quality of Madame Web is that there is a brief scene of CPR education (which is still incorrect if memory serves) that MIGHT be beneficial to an audience member somewhere down the line. By the end of the film the only people that could have possibly been having a good time was the old man snoring in the third row, or the teenage couple in the back making noises so inappropriate I won’t describe them here. Hands down one of the worst films I have ever seen and yes, that includes Poor Things.
Riot’s Rating: 1/10
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